great metaphor

a book at the dallas heritage village totally described the scene at teddy's this weekend:

siri and mom

(while showing mom the features of the siri):

me: siri, call mommy.

siri: which number of mommy do you want me to call?

mom: how did she get my number???

me: ... it was already on my phone.

mom: (looks confused, studies phone and sees her icon attached to her number) how did she get my photo?

me: ....

undergrad encore une fois?

email received today: " god you would end up with an MIT nerd you met at a gay club."

as i wrote the title of the post in franglish, the same person started chatting with me in the same dialect: "yes, that is le plan
from le facebook"

= AWESOMENESS. i think the match neon hoop earrings and ballet skirts really bonded us together in france in 2004.

grad school fail #105

one of the trainers at the gym asked to see my new iphone. he started speaking to siri and asked her to play a song. apparently siri plays the songs in order on my itunes.

he started listening and then was confused. the first "songs" on my itunes were from the Woodcock-Johnson assessment testing cd - story recall.

examples from these "songs" include: "Julie likes to catch butterflies. Then she lets them go"

i tried to explain that i had music, and those are for testing children with potential learning disabilities. the more i tried to explain, the more confused he looked, and i just probably should've given up even trying to explain that i'm a normal person that has music on my iphone...

reminds me of undergrad...

unlike this fool, i think i drew the same thing for my biology 100 lab class, except i put "JUST KIDDING" and still received credit.
oh memories...

thanksgiving break projects

baby z is so pretty in her new dress!

support from RAs

Due to my unfortunate mugging, I emailed asking one of the RAs for the code to get into the lab because I no longer have my key.
My loyal RA of 2.5 years immediately wrote me back Saturday night at 12:44am:
"I'm so sorry. Ima f*** the guy up. Wow I'm so angry and pissed"

I'm really grateful for my friends (and RAs) support these past few days!! It really means a lot!

the big d

poor dallas:
"Big D is a big dud according to AFC voters, who find the city and its locals anything but fun-loving: its cocktail hour ranks No. 29 and the live music is next to last (No. 34). And not only are the residents deemed not-so-smart (No. 28), they’re not even worth looking at, AFC readers said: the city ranks last for people-watching."
i'm not doing anything to help by working all of the time. it should be my civic duty to improve cocktail hour. new years resolution?

the french and eating

This reminded me of why I love living in France:Americans need to stop multitasking while eating alone, argues French sociologist Claude Fischler

It almost reminded me of how last night my dad and I made a run for Taco Bell at 11pm... almost.

"Food portions are significantly bigger in the U.S. than in France. Yet North Americans spend less than an hour each day eating what's on their hefty plates, while the French spend more than two hours each day enjoying "food experiences." France's obesity rate weighs in much lower than America's and even other European nations'. American women spend more time multi-tasking while eating and are less likely to remember everything (or time) they ate than do French women. ("If you're eating constantly, it's difficult to remember," Fischler cracked.)

Does this all add up to the mysterious "French Paradox"? Fischler doesn't think it's much of a mystery."

I don't think it's much of mystery either. My theory is that the wine magically removes calories - at least that's what I told myself everyday when I bought my 2.50euro cote du rhone at monoprix. Maybe I should suggest this theory to my advisor and be my own participant, for healthy living purposes of course.

vive la france!

favorite patient quote

after 2 hours of neuropsych testing with my patient: "now you're going to tell you lover tonight when you're done what a dumb broad you saw"

two points: 1. patient definitely too hard on self, and 2. she incorrectly assumed that grad students actually have normal people lives. after i told my supervisor though her quote, she responded, "doesn't she know that grad students don't have lives?" (i hope the observation was more about grad students than me in particular...) little did my patient know is that i'm going to be with my parents tonight celebrating my dad's birthday with a bunch of other filapinos at pappadeux's. however, i'm going to take her statement optimistically, which means that i give off the impression that i could be gossiping with a lover tonight. holllaaa!

hoarding/au revoir...a jamais?!

"valerie look at all the goodies we got from the travel convention we performed at! which of these do you want?"



the answer was none. it was like i was speaking a foreign language that i didn't accept cheap things i would never use. how many cardboard fans and plastic beads do you need when you're not mardi gras? 0
in 5 years, you'll see my parents house on hoarders

along with that note, i gave my parents a near 60 day notice that i'm moving out and into pam's apartment in january. they tried to convince me out of it- i'm sure because they love my wit and joy i bring to the house. mostly though, it's probably because they're afraid i'll take baby z away from them. charlie bought a fur blanket to put over her while she sleeps because it's getting cold. pretttyyyy adorable:::::



je rigole, it's not au revoir a jamais - the lease is up end of july, and pammy's leaving the furniture there, so i'll have the chance to move back to laundry and cooked oatmeal in a few months if i'm too lazy to warm up the instant oatmeal in the microwave. also my bed/furniture will stay here, so i could come back and relive my current life. come visit in january!!!

meeting that i missed on campus

my first thought was because i didn't want to work at macdonald's....

sunday conversations

(dad singing bieber songs to himself)
me (to dad): are you bored? like in life?
dad: what do you mean? (pause) well i'm gassy...

gossip news in the house

number of times that dad has mentioned bieber and his potential baby momma in the past 24 hours = 5
i was away for 12 of those hours. someone has a mancrush.

presents

My dad saw fake tattoo sleeves and he thought that I would like it. The presents from dad this year include a stun gun, brass knuckles, and now fake tattoo sleeves:



I think that he wants me to back back to my past like ice cube. holllaaaa

theme of the month: asian wisdom

mom: are you going to put your maiden name as your kid's middle name?
me: i'm watching tv
mom: you never know who you are marrying the US because people don't have their mother's maiden names in their whole name. for all you know, americans can be marrying their cousins! maybe that's why so many of them have issues. how do you really know if someone isn't your cousin?

and maybe in her random ranting, there is some rhyme and reason:

monday support continues:parental

(me trying on my black swan costume)

charlie: i don't like it. you see a roll of back fat. yeah, a lot of back fat.

mom (look of horror): you're going to wear that?!? seriously?

charlie: why don't you wear a black tshirt and leggings instead. i'll give you a lightsaber and you can go as a jedi. it will fit you so much better.

what my parents apparently envision for halloween:

monday morning conversations

the typical monday in grad student world exemplifies the care and empathy of your fellow classmates:


Noelle
wahhhhhhh
11:40 AM

me
wahhhhh

Noelle
no wahhhhhhh me

me
lazzzyyyy

Noelle
me??
or...
you?
hehe
or both.

more asian knowledge

mom talking about other people being ignorant: "... yeah, he has a lot of rice and mashed potatoes to eat"

take me away please/the new 22

conversations via gchat instead of writing thesis or irb applications:


anon, almost 29 yrs old:
hey val, wanna move to london with me?

me:
YES

anon:
i have a new 23 year old lover

...

anon:
yeah, 23 is the new 22
all of mine have been 23

someone needs therapy

conversation overheard yesterday: "you were pretending to be dead, so it turned me on"

the new biebs

mommy signing justin bieber:

things I look forward to when I'm old

1. pretending to not understand something so i won't have to do it ("I forgot how to wash dishes... it's hard suffering from dementia...")
2. carrying a cane around and tripping small children and other people i dislike
3. peeing on the airplane floor like the great french actor gerard depardieu. take that AA. i will always remember that day in april 2011 where you made me beg to get on your shitty airplane when there was a 30+ waitlist.

come to think of it, i already do number 1. that means by the time i'm old i'll be even better at it. and another thank you to france for coming up with another great idea.

addicted to teen mom

someone has their eyes glued to the newest teen mom episode. zora might need a "i watch teen mom too much" intervention.

fear factor

me: turtle, tell me something scary so i'll stop hiccuping!
turtle (thinking): teen mom was cancelled today
me: do you think that that would really scare me? seriously...

(i immediately stopped hiccuping). <3 <3 <3 teen mom <3 <3 <3

CBT for kitties

because i don't have any therapy patients this year, i tried to use my cbt skillzz to teach my kitty sit like a lady. i don't know how much of the cognitive part she actually listened to though. i'll attribute that to kitty adhd.

road to becoming a great psychologist

2 reasons in the past 12 hours i know my education is paying off:


1st reason: giving people inspiration to live their dreams

email sent to me at 2:22am, saturday july 9:
"well, I made out with a 21 year old tonight! just thought you would appreciate it. I guess dreams really do come true."


2nd reason: getting the look of the psychologist down

friday night convo, with turtle and another stellar grad student:
turtle: "You guys have the same look. Did you plan it?"
grad student: "No. That's the look of judgement""

angry birds

scene: dad playing angry birds for hours after introducing it to him today.

mom: this is your fault that he can't stop playing with the birdies.

decrowned

mom: you need to stat making your own breakfast. you are 28. you no longer wear the crown. it was given to the two kitties.

Les filles en france

Valerie without the girls:
Roquette: we just read books and watched that porn on the tv. We were like an old married couple
Momma m: I don't think that's what old married couples do...


Last night at the hotel:
Roquette: why don't you find us some nice porn on the tv Valerie?

Wisdom from an european

Me: yeah at the monthly gun shows you can buy tasers and brass knuckles

European: Texas seems like a great place to live, for a white man

asian wisdom

mom: (talking about all different types of engineering because i said that i didn't know the difference...) see your mother is smart. you need to eat many more kilos of rice before you understand life.

alcoholism talk with advisor

(Advisor realizing my love of quality, delicious pizza...)

Advisor: So had any more pizza this weekend?

Me: No, but I had the BEST thing at IHOP! You know how they have the monthly specials? Like waffles and chicken last month?

Advisor: Umm, that's ok you don't need to explain more... just kidding... go on...

Me: I had this delicious cheesy egg scramble and it had tortilla chips on top with enchilada sauce and sour cream on top. It was so good.

Advisor: So when did you have this?

Me: Yesterday around noon I think.

Advisor: Oh ok. Not saturday night at 2pm... hahaha

I don't think he believed me... le sigh...

going out without parents in dc

as mentioned in a previous entry, my parents are in dc with me for a conference.

(parents getting ready for bed. time is 11:20pm)

me: i'm going out for a drink. i'll be back soon.

mom: but it's late!

me: it's only 3 blocks away.

dad: are you going to that amateur strip show?

...

what do you even respond??

ed hardy and my dad

my dad's iphone case:



he has never heard of ed hardy. he just thought it was cool. heh.

laziness -- spring cleaning

me: mom, charlie look i cleaned the inside of my car!!

them: really? no you didn't.

me: go look

(parents look outside)

them: so how much did you pay for someone to do it?

me: i did it myself!!

them: we don't believe you. you wouldn't ever clean yourself.

important things learned in college

(anonymous): Learned in business law they can't outright fire you if you're a functioning alcoholic... My life just keeps getting better and better
(anonymous): Once I become a FUNCTIONING alcoholic that is

anonymous in action:

when you know your life needs an intervention...

my RA added to the lab calendar that i need to get out more. but i'm cool... really...

word of the day

Sabertooth
A woman too old or too ugly to be a cougar but tries anyway.

I went to Target and had a flip flop wearing Sabretooth tracking me through the paper goods.

learning a new thing everyday...

bonding with RAs: part 2

email to RA: "could you automate the rest of alfred's emails? everyone else
is done but him.
kudos to automating all of the self arguments emails perfectly.
austin complemented the well done job. a++++"

email from RA: "so, if i son't do alfred's emails, will i just get a a+++ ? cause that would be one + less."

email to RA: "i think this is more like an all or nothing effect like in action potentials"

email from RA: "so i'm just one serotonin molecule short? damn."

reincarnation

me: if i were reincarnated, i would totally be a house cat. their lives are so easy! they just eat and sleep. it's awesome. in fact, i would be my house cat. yeah, she leads such a great life.

turtle: you just want to be your cat so your mom will love you.

rude, and touche turtle.

bonding with RAs

RA: (chattering)

me: (not paying attention)

RA: do you hear me dawg?

me: (silence) are you talking to yourself?

RA: nah, I'm talking to you homie... dawg

i always knew i was ghetto fabulous, but apparently only the kid that grew up on the golf course understands it. represent.

5th grade science fair 16 years later...

guess who's coming to be the first people to see me present my poster at Society of Behavioral Medicine annual conference? my parents!!

they'll be traveling with me to DC to take photos and give general support. it's like they're coming to my 5th grade science fair, only now it's a national conference in psychology. i feel loved, but for some reason i think they'll find the volcano i made and blew up much more interesting than people's flu vaccination intentions.

survival: test 1 - food

on sunday, mom decides that i need to get my own food. so that day i go to whole foods and get a lot of frozen food. actually cooking seemed like a lot of effort, so i thought i would start with microwaving and baking.

today i tried baking pizza minis. it was the first time using an oven in a year and a half. i ended up with a burn across my hand.

survival test 1 fail. :(

children

dad: ruth, if you had a kitty earlier, maybe you wouldn't have wanted kids...

mom: (no response, pets kitty in lap)

kitty is copying me

zora has a 6th sense and knows how i feel after reading articles for class for more than 2 minutes.

bad skin = psychoanalysts?

while searching amazon to find a guide for dummies for the Rorschach, amazon suggested the following items as things other people who bought the guide also added on:







does this mean psychoanalysts generally have bad skin? new dissertation idea.

hair staining

Dad: is your hair... stained??

Me: (confused) (pause) ... do you mean highlighted?

Dad: Yes. It, um, looks nice!


Word of the day for dads: highlights.

key to a good impression - ruffles

Scene: mom ironing my birthday dress

me: mom it's ok, you don't need to iron every ruffle on my dress.

mom: you need to make sure ruffles aren't wrinkled, because that's what people would look at.

me: ... you mean my face?

mom: no... the ruffles (starts laughing to herself)

(pause)

mom: because, if i don't know if a person is a shit or not, i look at her dress. and the ruffles. at least if i don't like someone, i can admire her ruffles.


true dat mom, true dat.

the birthday tiara, the kitty, and the ruffles

a sign?

the latest ad to pop up from fb:



and the latest convo with turtle:

me: i just had a fb ad show up "give single dads a chance"

turtle: It's a sign!
go hang out at preschools and scope out the single dad talent
or if you want someone a little older you could look at highland park and i'd go with you and i could check out the hs seniors

me: that is wrong, and illegal

turtle: what is?
hs seniors are 18 by this point in their senior year
it's like freshmen in college essentially


so far this spring break, turtle has encouraged me to date old geezers, and scope out pre-ks, while he hits the high schools.

survival: first monday without parents

my parents went to las vegas without me for spring break ("we need alone time"...), so it's me and the kitties until wednesday. the 2nd day they left, i already had to deal with an ER vet visit because zora was up to jumping off of high areas like usual (for my loyal readers, yes she is ok and surviving and running like the superuberadorable kitty she is).

today's breakfast (albeit during the lunchtime period) was like usual, my coffee, chia seeds, and banana.

i was a little confused though for lunch. if i'm home during the work week, i either go out to eat with my mom, or she brings me home something to eat. i was alone, and there, working in my recliner with my kitties around me, i realized, i regressed. i was able to survive for 8 years by myself, even in a foreign country not knowing anyone barely fluent in the language, and i cooked. i was also too lazy to get out to get anything. so i had a spoonful of peanut butter and cheese nachos for my late lunch. i think i win lazy person of the year award, or best 27 year old that eats like a 10 year old. either case, it's still a win for me. WIN.

supportive friends

Today at 4:13pm, Turtle invited me out for happy hour. I told him that I should write my thesis, even though it is spring break, so I'm politely declining. The following was his response:

Turtle: you could always just drop out of school if you wanted.

Me : yeah
and do what

Turtle: concentrate on being a trophy wife
you need somebody old that will die off quickly so you can just take the money
then buy a college and give yourself a degree

(break in conversation)

Turtle: how do you feel about jerry jones

Me: i don't do sports

Turtle: i have a friend of a friend who lives next to his mistress

Me: grossss

Turtle: you should get a reality show where you look for a husband. that (gold digger; kanye) could be your theme song


SMU undergrads come up with the best ideas. i'm going to get right on that. pronto. any old men (not jerry jones) that want to marry me out there?

greetings for lunch

Scene- mom coming home for lunch, Zora runs to the door to greet her.

Mom: Babypot! (talking to kitty. kitty meows back.) I love you. I'm so happy to see you! How's my little baby?

Me: Hi mommy. I'm doing well.

Mom: (Looks confused that I spoke) You're second now to the kitty. Don't you have school or something?

tear.

early birthday present from the gun show

today my dad went to the gun show. my mom told him that he couldn't bring any guns or gun paraphernalia home, so instead he bought me presents.



first, i have a pitbull to add to my keychain. what do i do with it? "hold it in your hand when you're walking to the garage, and punch any mother---- that bothers you. heeheehee. they won't know what's coming!" said father in an ecstatic voice.

present number 2 is a stun gun. however, it is not just any stun gun. it has a flashlight on it as well. the ensuing conversation: "... you should stick it in the groin... that would be good..." and "... yeah i got a flashlight mother--- ... then i'll stun you..."

i think, however, his biggest concern is that i won't use it when i get the opportunity. he then explained how if i have a gun (which i refuse to try), i need to kill the person, not just wound him. if you shot him with 1 bullet, you use the next 5 to put in his head. i'm afraid of the sound of the stun gun, let alone using it. nonetheless, i'll put the stun gun in my car to make the parents happy.

i practiced my face with the new "toys."

here is the valerie "i'm going to eff you up" face:


i decided that wasn't very believable, and i probably look constipated more than anything else. i tried the valerie "i'm a cute furry animal psychopath that kills" smile:

i rock it. no one knows what is coming. everyone is intimidated i know.

2 pounds of fail

http://www.supersweetcandy.com/
yum yum in my tumtum
at least i'm working out with turtle 5 days a week now. unfortunately, i already have oreo cake also added onto my list of things to do for tonight as well.

another reason why I need to move out

Dad: Ruth, don't lean over tonight. Everyone will see your boobs
Mom: Let them enjoy the show!!!

favorite child revealed

scene - mom with zora

me: (petting kitty) aww zora is so cute!
mom: (looks at me in shock) your hands are cold!
me: i know, my hands are always cold
mom: you shouldn't pet zora! you're going to make the baby cold! (pushes me away)

someone has become mommy's favorite daughter, and it isn't me :(

a curse, or a blessing?

when you're little, everything seems normal. i used to eat spam every week. i didn't find out until junior high that i was one of the few, but one of the many in hawaii apparently. i never had spam sushi though. i'll try it next time in hawaii.

my mom always liked clothes and shoes. growing up, she had half of the master closet. somehow over the years, she took over the whole master closet, built one in another room, and when my grandma died, she converted that room into another closet. yes, the whole room. she also has her own shoe closet with at least 100 shoes. i call it hoarding, and then she gives the confused look like she never learned that word in english. maybe there's not a direct translation in ilonggo, tagalog, or spanish. however, she also looks confused when i follow the statement with the word denial.

the question is, is hoarding genetic? my colleague, NBS, said that this video reminded her of me:

yes, i have bought many groupons. i use them constantly. i visit new restaurants in dallas, and i convinced 2 gfs to sit with me naked in a korean spa. recently i've been chosen by groupon headquarters to be one of their "insiders" and they pay me in groupon dollars to do "research" for them each month. is this addiction? am i hoarding groupons? i do use them before the expiration date - they don't sit there and expire. that would be a waste.

right now, continuing from my last post, my life is awesome. being a groupon insider, i get to explore dallas even more. i haven't had one groupon expire yet that i bought, although i have given some away. however, if i start to let them expire, or you see me starting to wake up at 6am to do tai chi, that is not the valerie that sleeps til noon. please start to worry. that means i have a problem. that's when i'll call NBS, and maybe she'll inspire some jaded inspiration to help me out, but more than likely i'll just convince her to join me in the korean spa :)

why my life is awesome

No, it isn't because I'm a grad student, or that I was chosen as a Groupon Insider (although that does make me pretty awesome). Sometimes it really is the little things.

While living at home does have its disadvantages (e.g., awkwardness: "Yeah mom, I slept over with Pam's/Kristin's/[insert girlfriend's name here] last night... what, of course I wasn't drinking a lot..."), there are a whole host of benefits.

For example:
- During the cold winter months of Texas, my mom tuns on my space heater and electric blanket when she goes to bed, so when I sleep hours later, my room is already nice and toasty
- The magic coffee fairy has coffee ready every morning
- Besides alcohol runs, I've been to the grocery store 5 times in a year in a half
- Oatmeal is served when I wake up at 1pm on the weekends
- No more communal washers and clothes showing up nice and clean every week in my closet
- My dad drove me on the highways yesterday to my interview at the hospital when everything was covered in snow early in the morning. Interviewers were impressed, and I took credit for being a badass driving through the snow.

Do I want to move next year? Probably not. I still don't know how paying bills works. It might be difficult if I have to work at the VA or Galaxy next year. It probably just means more driving and road rage. I just need to remember to not get out of my car and yell at others. But overall, my life is pretty awesome, partly to my parents <3 <3

ode to adopted grampie

while no grandparents live with me, today's post is in honor of grandpa b, my adopted grandpa at my second home - campus.
here is an email after we were informed that icemageddon canceled class today:

"It's a shame how mother nature takes over the capacity of Machiavellian power and control-oriented faculty like myself to control the lives of students!! (tee-hee). Stay warm!!! "

kudos to the the use of "tee-hee" and power-wielding instincts. statements like these makes me feel like i'm your biological grandchild.

"I hope you dance..."::: ADHD

I come in to breakfast to see my mom interpretive dancing.
Unfortunately I didn't get it on video. I haven't upgraded yet to a newer iPhone.

My mom sees on Oprah(?) the body roll and attempts to do it.
For those of you that don't know what it is, here is a video.



I would say my mom is in great shape for 63, but I haven't met many 63 year olds that want to get down with the body roll. So today, at 5:30pm, I shared the knowledge with my mom.
She's hip, what can I say.

She dances a lot, and is part of a Filipino dance troupe here in Dallas. I would like to say that I get my ballroom dancing skills from her. However, she doesn't get hip hop, and here is a video of her interpreting how young people dance one new year's eve:

Naming Squirrels: ESL moment

Today I will introduce my mom, and my kitty Zora.

See my baby below:

Pure cuteness.

She loves the outdoors and was found cutely meowing at 3 months old for food outside on our porch, but is now a house kitty. Today began while looking outside at the squirrels from the kitchen window:


My mom calls me to look, because Zora being neurotic and trying to attack the window/squirrel outside. We have nothing to do. Hell (Texas) froze over, so we haven't had school or work for the past three days due to the ice gods smiling kindly down on me.
"I see a squirrel and Zora is trying to attack it through the window! (talking about the squirrel) That's lumber, I call that squirrel lumber!"
ESL moment, confusing Disney characters and construction materials.

=

?

Hi and Welcome

I'm a 27 year old grad student living with my parents. This is a testament to saving money, losing face, and driving 30 minutes each day to school.