bad skin = psychoanalysts?

while searching amazon to find a guide for dummies for the Rorschach, amazon suggested the following items as things other people who bought the guide also added on:







does this mean psychoanalysts generally have bad skin? new dissertation idea.

hair staining

Dad: is your hair... stained??

Me: (confused) (pause) ... do you mean highlighted?

Dad: Yes. It, um, looks nice!


Word of the day for dads: highlights.

key to a good impression - ruffles

Scene: mom ironing my birthday dress

me: mom it's ok, you don't need to iron every ruffle on my dress.

mom: you need to make sure ruffles aren't wrinkled, because that's what people would look at.

me: ... you mean my face?

mom: no... the ruffles (starts laughing to herself)

(pause)

mom: because, if i don't know if a person is a shit or not, i look at her dress. and the ruffles. at least if i don't like someone, i can admire her ruffles.


true dat mom, true dat.

the birthday tiara, the kitty, and the ruffles

a sign?

the latest ad to pop up from fb:



and the latest convo with turtle:

me: i just had a fb ad show up "give single dads a chance"

turtle: It's a sign!
go hang out at preschools and scope out the single dad talent
or if you want someone a little older you could look at highland park and i'd go with you and i could check out the hs seniors

me: that is wrong, and illegal

turtle: what is?
hs seniors are 18 by this point in their senior year
it's like freshmen in college essentially


so far this spring break, turtle has encouraged me to date old geezers, and scope out pre-ks, while he hits the high schools.

survival: first monday without parents

my parents went to las vegas without me for spring break ("we need alone time"...), so it's me and the kitties until wednesday. the 2nd day they left, i already had to deal with an ER vet visit because zora was up to jumping off of high areas like usual (for my loyal readers, yes she is ok and surviving and running like the superuberadorable kitty she is).

today's breakfast (albeit during the lunchtime period) was like usual, my coffee, chia seeds, and banana.

i was a little confused though for lunch. if i'm home during the work week, i either go out to eat with my mom, or she brings me home something to eat. i was alone, and there, working in my recliner with my kitties around me, i realized, i regressed. i was able to survive for 8 years by myself, even in a foreign country not knowing anyone barely fluent in the language, and i cooked. i was also too lazy to get out to get anything. so i had a spoonful of peanut butter and cheese nachos for my late lunch. i think i win lazy person of the year award, or best 27 year old that eats like a 10 year old. either case, it's still a win for me. WIN.

supportive friends

Today at 4:13pm, Turtle invited me out for happy hour. I told him that I should write my thesis, even though it is spring break, so I'm politely declining. The following was his response:

Turtle: you could always just drop out of school if you wanted.

Me : yeah
and do what

Turtle: concentrate on being a trophy wife
you need somebody old that will die off quickly so you can just take the money
then buy a college and give yourself a degree

(break in conversation)

Turtle: how do you feel about jerry jones

Me: i don't do sports

Turtle: i have a friend of a friend who lives next to his mistress

Me: grossss

Turtle: you should get a reality show where you look for a husband. that (gold digger; kanye) could be your theme song


SMU undergrads come up with the best ideas. i'm going to get right on that. pronto. any old men (not jerry jones) that want to marry me out there?

greetings for lunch

Scene- mom coming home for lunch, Zora runs to the door to greet her.

Mom: Babypot! (talking to kitty. kitty meows back.) I love you. I'm so happy to see you! How's my little baby?

Me: Hi mommy. I'm doing well.

Mom: (Looks confused that I spoke) You're second now to the kitty. Don't you have school or something?

tear.

early birthday present from the gun show

today my dad went to the gun show. my mom told him that he couldn't bring any guns or gun paraphernalia home, so instead he bought me presents.



first, i have a pitbull to add to my keychain. what do i do with it? "hold it in your hand when you're walking to the garage, and punch any mother---- that bothers you. heeheehee. they won't know what's coming!" said father in an ecstatic voice.

present number 2 is a stun gun. however, it is not just any stun gun. it has a flashlight on it as well. the ensuing conversation: "... you should stick it in the groin... that would be good..." and "... yeah i got a flashlight mother--- ... then i'll stun you..."

i think, however, his biggest concern is that i won't use it when i get the opportunity. he then explained how if i have a gun (which i refuse to try), i need to kill the person, not just wound him. if you shot him with 1 bullet, you use the next 5 to put in his head. i'm afraid of the sound of the stun gun, let alone using it. nonetheless, i'll put the stun gun in my car to make the parents happy.

i practiced my face with the new "toys."

here is the valerie "i'm going to eff you up" face:


i decided that wasn't very believable, and i probably look constipated more than anything else. i tried the valerie "i'm a cute furry animal psychopath that kills" smile:

i rock it. no one knows what is coming. everyone is intimidated i know.